My books and other Gingernuts

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Guest blog, Let's fix America.

Today I have my first guest blogger, in the light of the elections over the pond and my earlier post on what i would do if i was made Emperor of Great Britain we have some views of how to turn around America.
So here we go.

First of all I need to give Glenn a big thank you for allowing me to take over his blog briefly.

So this is Blue-collar Idiot

First of all, let me just say I love my country I really do. Regardless of what goes on that will never change with me. I may not like who's in power or approve of the way things are done, but I will always salute the flag and everything good about this country that it stands for.

Let's face it though folks, the situation is Fubar, Snafu or whatever acronym you want to use it is a sad state of affairs. Among other issues we as a nation are 16 trillion in debt. That means to make things even, every single one of us would need to pay the government one hundred and thirty seven thousand dollars. Now I don't know about you but the thought of my child owing that kind of money before she even has a job is pretty disheartening. So how do we fix it? Well here's my thoughts on that plus a few more for good measure.

For starters guess what?

If you make more than a million dollars a year (I.E. sports,entertainment stars) well not any more you don't!

All that surplus goes back into the system. Should help pay that debt down in a hurry don't you think?
Don't worry I didn't leave you Religions out either.
You're still allowed to worship how and who you wish, but no more free ride. Religious organisations get to pay taxes just like everyone else. Call it tithing the nation if makes you feel any better.

OK so what's next then to sort out?
Our infrastructure is a wreck. Roads,waste management and dams are all below par. Also I'm going to throw in how we happen to have sky high unemployment.
Well lets kill two birds with one stone. Put the unemployed to work fixing these things. WE WILL FIND YOU A JOB! It may not be one you like or really want but you'll be working if you're medically able to.
Don't want to work?
Well you can go to jail or leave the country, but you should plan on working or you're going to jail. Work details will be back in force in there too, so no easy ride in there either.

Oh and expect random drug tests as well. Lets be fair about that, fail one and you can go to rehab, but a second fail and you go to jail, this is also a form of rehab if you think about it.

As for jail over-population?
Well life sentences in most cases are going to be a thing of the past., it's cheaper to enforce the death sentence.
Like court ruling to the grave in twenty minutes or less. Also lets have it apply for habitual offenders, but a strict definition of that would need to be worked out.

Illegal Immigration.
This is easy, stick to the enforcement of the laws we already have. Nothing needs changed , we just need them enforced. Also while we're in the ballpark more or less, no more student visas. If our schools are good enough to learn in then our country is good enough for you to become a citizen of.
American school/American student.
Makes sense doesn't it?

Finally let's look at Health Care.

Hmm... Well for starters let's make it more affordable. If I can buy a bottle of 30 pills for $5.99 you are NOT going to charge me $10.00 for one at the hospital. In fact I could see this helping in other areas of commerce as well, just make it a general rule, no more than fifty percent mark-up on goods. Plus let's find a way to reward American made and based companies. I'm not sure how yet but I think a completely American product should be worth an incentive. Let's make it worth a companies while to want to be here.

Anyway, that's my ramble and I'm a idiot. Just remember even a blind squirrel finds a nut some times!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

So am I going to hell for blasphemy?

Right so I start working on this new short story and read it back and think...
So how do i find out?
Simple, I'm gonna ask you lot.
So here follows the part of JOHN THE BARMAN i'm unsure about. Is it light hearted comedy of am I going to hell for blasphemy.
you decide then.
And before you jump all over me for grammer and stuff it hasn't been proofread or anything as it's still a work in progress.

Part one.

The bar was small, dark and twenty years the wrong side of needing decorating. It consisted of a single long room with one side dominated by the wooden bar while on the other side threadbare bench seats made up three horseshoe snugs. As usual behind the bar John was working, well he was reading a newspaper as he waited the day’s customers to turn up but he was classed as working. Working the mid-week dayshift was never what you could call difficult, unless you forgot something to read. You just had a handful of regulars with nowhere better to go or avoiding going where they had to go for a while. The bar was officially one step above a dive but that was the way the regulars liked it to be. It was a bar you could relax in that had a lived-in feeling and a friendly face to serve you drinks and bags of crisps. He kept the toilets relatively clean and there was usually toilet paper in the cubicles and the smell from the gents wasn’t too overpowering. On the other side of the stairs that led up to the entrance was an open space dominated by a pool table, the only item in the place that was kept in good condition. The windows on the far side of the table were large and dirty and let in just enough light to keep the place dingy. This suited the bar and hid much of the years of grime and also made the television picture on the projection screen, above the toilet doors at the opposite end of the room visible. The television was just used as background ambience when he turned it on, always tuned into one of the music channels that played mindless songs so it had the volume on mute almost constantly.

John heard the first of his customers come stamping up the stairs and didn’t need to look up to know who it was. As his first customer sat down on a barstool before him John absently leaned over and grabbed a bottle of brown ale from the shelf next to his chair and flicked off the lid on the bar mounted bottle opener without looking.
“Good night at the nut house?” John enquired placing the bottle on the bar, still not looking up from his newspaper.
“I so hate my job, we had a load of new arrivals during the night and had a hell of a job finding accommodation for them all. I’m sure Peter is getting more choosey on who he lets in so sends them over to me as he can’t be bothered to do proper background checks.” The customer replied in a weary voice before taking a long drink from the bottle before him.
“Anyone I would have heard of?” John asked finally looking up.
“Just a few lawyers, a minor politician and some old television presenter on an emergency transfer. He was a top security case, had my top people lining up to take that one and start working on the vile little man.” The customer said with disgust. “Why I always get the scumbags I don’t know.”
“Could it be because you run Hell Lucifer, kind of goes with the job having to deal with the scumbags down there.” John answered picking up a DVD case. “Let me put this on for you, cheer you up a bit before any other customers turn up and disturb you.”
“What is it?” Lucifer asked with interest.
“Riverdance, and before you ask yes it’s Michael Flatley dancing the lead.” John said with a grin that was returned by Lucifer.
“You’re a star, I loved this when it came out, cried my eyes out first time I saw it live.” Lucifer spun around on the stool to face the screen. John always spent time looking for anything to do with dancing if he went to a car boot sale or charity shop as he knew Lucifer loved dance. He had wanted to go to dance school but his Father had forbidden it. He had heard there had been a big fight that ended with Lucifer finally being forced to go and run hell. He was a nice guy but so misunderstood because of his job as head jailer for his Father. Finding a few DVDs was the least John could do to try and cheer the unhappy ex-angel up. Even now after all this time he was still upset at being forced to go into the family business.
“Is your Father popping in later do you know?” John asked as he put the disc in the battered DVD player.
“He should be, I think he wants to go over the budget. How he expects me to keep running things if I can’t employ more staff I don’t know.” Lucifer drained his drink and indicated with a shake of the empty bottle he wanted a fresh one.
“So the trial on promoting some of the inmates to overseers didn’t work then?” John asked as he pressed play.
“A disaster, the evil little bastards wouldn’t stop torturing the other inmates, those mime artists are real sickos once they start a performance.” Lucifer said as he turned his attention to the screen. “In the end the only way we could stop them was to throw them into the nearest pool of burning oil. Lilith was closest to them and she saw the expressions on their face and heard their silent screams. She was so traumatised she needed a month off work to get over the nightmares. Those mime artists are seriously under-rated as performers of pure evil.”
John grabbed another bottle and after opening it placed in on the bar next to Lucifer who sat now bobbing his head with the start of the music. Grabbing himself a double whisky to banish the image of the burning mime artists he sat back down on his stool behind the bar and returned his attention to the paper.

Riverdance was reaching its conclusion and Lucifer stood in the middle of the floor dancing along in perfect time as a couple of new customers walked up the stairs. John looked up as the first of two old men came into view. He put his arm out against the wall breathing heavily as he reached the top step.
“Two beers John and whatever the old fart behind me wants.” He gasped then looked over at Lucifer and shook his head in disgust before continuing over to the bar. The second old man reached the top of the stairs and headed for a bar stool next to him also breathing heavily.
“Your usual?” John asked him as he placed the first pint on the bar and started pulling the second pint, the old man just nodded as he regained his breath. Both men had been heavily muscled in their youth but age had robbed them of their strength. John placed the second pint on the bar before grabbing a wine glass from a shelf above the bar and turning to the wine bottles he filled it with a cheap house red wine.
“When you’re done pouring the girly drink can we have the pool cues, gonna teach this old fart a lesson in pool again.” The first old man said with a grin. John placed the wineglass down and turned to grab the cues from the corner where they were kept.
“You never taught me nothing in your life, your eyesight’s that bad you can’t even see the end of the cue never mind the balls on the table.” The second man snapped and picking up the glass walked off to the pool table. “I’ll rack ‘em.”
With the DVD finishing Lucifer walked back to the bar and picked up his bottle, he gave the old man with the beers a nod. “Morning Thor, how’s your Father?”
“Daft old coot thinks he’s back in Midgard, if he’s got two brain cells working he’s having a good day.” Thor replied and finished off the first pint before accepting the pool cues that John passed over the bar to him.
“Thor, hurry up it’s your break.” Shouted the other old man from up by the pool table. “Morning Lucifer.” He added more cheerfully.
“Morning Hercules, how’s your back holding up?” Inquired Lucifer.
“Sore as buggery, dam damp weather always makes it play up.” Hercules replied giving the small of his back a rub to illustrate his discomfort.
“No catching the balls you two, how am I supposed to make any money if you only pay for one rack a day.” John warned them with a smile as Thor walked over to the table.
“As if we would ever do that.” Hercules answered smiling. “We’re the honest hero guys remember.”
John gave a look that showed that heroes or not he knew they always caught the balls and grabbed another bottle off the shelf for Lucifer.
“It’s a shame about Odin.” Lucifer said as he accepted the bottle.
“Age catches up with everyone eventually.” John replied sitting back down.
“Except you.” Lucifer said with a smile.
“Don’t know I felt my age this morning. Got talked into a lock-in by a couple of your lads last night, was as rough as a badgers arse this morning.” John replied with a grimace.
“You shouldn’t let them talk you into lock-ins John, they’d keep you open round the clock if they had their way.” Lucifer answered.

Lucifer sat watching the music channel that now played as he supped at another bottle. The sound for the television was muted as Thor had selected a string of rock tracks from the jukebox so some kid called Justin was presently appearing to sing ‘Enter Sandman’. All things considered with how just seeing him prance about on stage Lucifer was thankful the sound to the music video was switched off. Suddenly he felt a vibration in his pocket and reaching in and pulled out his mobile phone, pressing the screen he read the text message and groaned.
“Can you get me a double whisky and a lager top, Fathers on his way and Gabriel is tagging along.”
John nodded and got up. “Are you still not talking to your brother Gabriel?”
Lucifer pulled a face. “The guy’s a dick, he delivers one message, gets a bit of fame and thinks he’s the big I am. If it wasn’t for the fact he always hides behind Father I would kick his ass.”
John nodded in a non-committal sort of way as he placed the glass of whiskey on the bar and grabbed a glass for the lager top.
By the time he had poured the drink they heard footsteps on the stairs and Gabriel walked in. He was wearing a postman’s uniform and dropped his bag by a stool.
“Father will be up in a minute, he stopped to catch up with some tramp with a dog.” Gabriel picked up the larger top and took a sip. “So Lucifer, how’s work, keeping you busy?” He asked smugly.
“Sod off delivery boy before I take that bag and ram it up where the sun doesn’t shine.” Lucifer replied angrily.
“Lucifer! Be nice to your brother.” A voice said from the top of the stair, Lucifer sat up a little straighter on his stool but didn’t turn around.
“That was me being nice Father, I gave him a warning rather than just showing him what I plan to do.” Lucifer replied sullenly. “So who were you talking to?”
“Jack, he keeps getting drunk and disturbing his neighbours, waking up their baby.” God answered walking into the room. “Then the mother starts praying for him to be quiet and she really believes so it’s like someone shouting in my ear. It always puts me off doing the suduko in the paper”
“So what did you tell him?” Lucifer asked.
“I gave him a severe throat infection and told him if he has another drink it will fry his liver, then I gave him a few visions.” God said sitting down.
“You think it will work?” Lucifer asked. “Will he stop waking the baby?”
“Sure it will, he ran off and got hit by a bus.” God replied.
“Wasn’t that a little extreme, I’ve seen you leave here some nights singing at the top of your voice.” John asked aghast, Lucifer and Gabriel both nodded their agreement.
“Well maybe the visions were a little too much, but how was I supposed to know he would run like that.” God answered looking at the whisky glass in front of him. “I did make sure the dog went to a new home and ordered Peter to fast track him through the Pearly Gates.”
“Well that’s something, who took the dog in?” John asked.
“Angelo, the guy from the kebab shop down the street.” God answered. “He seemed happy to look after it.”
“Well if I was you I wouldn’t be calling into Angelo’s for a kebab for a few weeks.” John warned them. “He does have a reputation around here.”
“He wouldn’t… would he?” Gabriel said the colour draining from his face.
“He is on the list of borderline possible inmates for my place,” Lucifer said with a smile. “and dogs do go missing a lot round here. We have special accommodation for those who are cruel to animals.”
“Enough Lucifer, stop winding your brother up, Angelo does not use pet dogs to make his kebabs. “ God said sternly and then took a sip from his glass before continuing. “So John, a little quiet in here this morning isn’t it?”
“It’s the rain.” John explained, happy at the changer in subject as he shut out the image of the tramp getting hit by the bus. God was a nice bloke and could be really thoughtful but at times the old Testament thinking would take over. “Only the hard-core oldies pop in when the weathers bad.”
God looked over at Thor and Hercules, Thor had a hand in a pocket on the pool table and as Hercules took the shot the red ball fell into his palm. Taking the ball he put it into the holding area for the balls on one end of the table. “Lucky shot.” He grumbled.
“You should stop them doing that.” God observed.
John put down the paper with a shrug. “They’re doing no harm and there’s nobody waiting to play.”
“Well it’s your business I suppose.” God replied reaching out and spinning around the paper to look at the head line on the front page. “X Factor Judge shame.” God read out loud, “Is there no real news?”
“I love X Factor, who is it?” Gabriel asked leaning forward.
“Angels should not listen to tabloid gossip.” God said sternly as he read the story. “And getting rat-arsed and falling down outside a club is hardly shameful, let’s face it we’ve all done it. So what proper news is there John?”
“Not much.” John answered with a shrug. “Some preacher of yours in America has announced that you told him personally that same sex marriages are a sin and whoever performs them will burn in hell as well.”
“As well as who?” God asked confused.
“The gays I think.” Lucifer offered as he reached over and opened the paper to page three.
“What? You get all the gay people Lucifer, I didn’t know that.” God asked looking confused. “When did that rule get made?”
“Not sure, it’s not something we ever consider when people arrive?” Lucifer answered. “When they first arrive we just torture them until they work out and admit why they are down there, until they know what they’ve done we can’t get down to the real work of making them suffer. Their sexuality though never comes up, it’s not on my list of sins you sent down.”
“Humans get some strange ideas, Gabriel ask Michael to find out who came up with this stupid idea about being gay being a sin.” God demanded. “And get onto Jesus and tell him to stop playing happy families and sort out his bloody church.”
“He’s trying Father but every time he turns around a wife has another D.I.Y. project or needs something from the shops.” Gabriel said defending Jesus.
“Why how many wives does he have?” John asked.
“Well imagine all the nuns for the last two thousand years and then remember that they are all the brides of Christ and you understand the lads suffering. The crucifixion was just the start of him suffering for humanities sins.” Lucifer replied hiding a smirk.
“All right Lucifer, just because we didn’t notice that line you slipped into the contract. No need to be so smug, now let’s go sit down and talk about this budget request of yours.”
“It was a joke, I didn’t realise it would be binding.” Lucifer replied trying to look innocent.
Standing up with his drink in his hand God walked over to one of the snugs. Lucifer gave one last admiring look at the page three girl then followed god to sit down. Gabriel stayed at the bar sipping at his larger.
“Gabriel, don’t be all day with that drink, I don’t want them letters delivering late.” God said over his shoulder.

God and Lucifer talked for about twenty minutes before God left with a wave to John and the two old men still playing pool.
“Sorry all but got to run, I’ve a mountain of prayers to answer. I got a prayer from a little girl last night that almost had me in tears, her dad is away with the army and he hasn’t seen her new baby brother yet so I need to put an angel to watch over him till he gets home.” God apologised as he headed for the stairs. “And Lucifer, pull your demons off the politicians in America, I’m getting a little sick of them whispering in their ears and causing trouble.”
“Nothing to do with me, not influenced any of that lot since the Nixon thing in the early seventies. It was a waste of resources as they are doing better without my help.” Lucifer answered shrugging his shoulders.
“You mean they come up with that stuff on their own? Now that’s scary.” God said with a shake of his head and then headed down the stairs.
Lucifer came up to the bar, a smile on his face as he ordered another drink.
“You managed to get the extra funding then?” John asked.
“Most of it, I threatened a zombie apocalypse by refusing to take any new inmates and when I pointed out the upcoming disaster at the international Morris Dancer festival he caved in. Seems a host of zombie Morris Dancers is more than he could bare.”
John paused as the mental image flashed across his mind, with a shudder he grabbed himself a glass and poured himself another double whisky.
“That was a real low blow even for you.” John said. “Zombie Morris Dancers is inspired, but still a low blow.”
Lucifer gave a grin. “Well I’m supposed to be evil aren’t I? Now I need to get off, got seats to go and see ‘strictly come dancing’ being filmed tonight and need to get ready. Have you been watching it? That fat old guy is hilarious.”
“I thought you wasn’t supposed to call people fat anymore?” John asked.
Lucifer stopped and grinning pointed to himself. “Hello, Lucifer here, the Prince of Darkness. Political correctness may be something I invented but it doesn’t mean I have to use it.”

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Meet the vampire Eloim.

From bleed with style.
Polly moved quickly across the flat rooftops, easily leaping across the gaps between buildings. She had an athletic build and had fallen into a long loping stride. She was of above average height but men always noticed her long well-toned legs that she loved to show off at every opportunity. She ignored the driving rain that fell in sheets, driven by the strong wind as she ran. Her long black hair had been tied into a ponytail to keep it out of her face as she ran. Her only real concession to the weather was a full length leather coat, but this was more to keep the various weapons secreted about her person dry than herself. She had just received a telephone call that a group of Slayers had been reported in the city and one of her brothers was unaccounted for. Out of all her brothers she hadn’t had to ask who it was that was missing; of course it had to be him. Of all the clan he had caused more trouble in his short existence than any other, a walking disaster with fangs. If there was trouble to be had then he would be found in the middle of it. Keeping the young vampires in line and safe had been difficult before but now he was around it was growing impossible.
Coming to the end of the row of buildings, she paused. On the street below a police patrol car was parked, the occupants happy to stay dry inside the car this night. With a giant leap she landed on the roof some twenty feet away on the opposite side of the street, the police none the wiser for her passing. As she moved along the new line of flat roofs she picked up the faint scent of blood and she knew that she had guessed right on where her missing brother would be. Coming to the end of the buildings she knelt down and peered into the alley below. Her missing brother stood in the centre of the alley in one of his usual ridiculous outfits. For some reason he refused to just blend in. He always seemed to dress to be noticed; far too many sequins and thigh high leather high heels. For a vampire this was not a normal trait, as when you were hunting you didn’t want your prey to see you coming. Before her brother a body was sprawled on the floor, obviously dead and the source of the scent of blood. Ten other figures stood in a semi-circle before him all ready to spring forward and attack the lone vampire. They were armed with wooden stakes, crucifixes and other tools that slayers used to hunt down her kind. Standing up she shook her head. head. Trust him to find the slayers and then stand and face them rather than running. With a deep sigh she stepped forward and walked off the edge of the roof.

Scrimshaw, Glenn (2012-02-11). Bleed with Style (Kindle Locations 81-83). Gingernut Books Ltd. Kindle Edition.

In recent times many of the vampires you meet in books have become safe, friendly high school misfits who drink blood from a glass rather than a cheerleader’s neck. So here comes Eloim, a teenage vampire with a couple of oddities. Well firstly he kills people and if you sent him to school then he would see it as an all you could eat buffet. Secondly, Eloim loves fashion and expresses his passion by stealing and wearing his sister’s clothes. Life for the teenage vampire is tough, surrounded by a large family that are always watching him to try and keep him out of trouble, which is Eloim’s second favourite thing. He has a natural knack for finding it and even when he tries to be good it backfires.

Not only does he have to survive the normal growing pains of a vampire discovering his powers but he also has to watch out for a Demon Empresses who makes him her number one target.
Discover a new vampire icon that may sparkle but would still rip your throat out in the first of two short stories available for you e-reader from online book stores

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

When I am your Emperor.

When I am Emperor this is how things are going to work.

A ten point plan to show why I should be your Emperor.

The current political system is not working, there is greed and corruption everywhere and the social network of our once great nation is crumbling. Join my revolution to change how our nation is ruled and run so we can enter a new era of greatness.

The economy is failing as our leaders don’t have a clue how to fix it.
1. When I take over the running of our country the first job is to remove the nation’s debt. As we are a new regime we take no responsibility for the miss-management of our nation and this debt does not belong to our new nation. (In the same way as if you move into a house any debts from the previous occupiers does not become your debt.) We will hand over any living ex leaders and members of their government for trial for the fraud they have committed against the world’s banking systems.
2. Tax loophole will be closed with a new and simple law.
“Any person or company that is registered or does business within our borders that is found guilty of tax avoidance is committing fraud and is liable to a repay up to five times the sum of tax unpaid. Any accounting firms or individuals aiding those avoiding paying their legal tax amount will face up to life imprisonment. The tax office and not the courts have final say on what is tax avoidance.”

3. All unemployment and housing benefits will be replaced by Government task force payments. To be entitled to receive this payment all claimants must complete forty hours of work within their community to improve it. Existing employment laws will cover the Government task force workers. Those unable to work because of health issues will not be affected.

4. Crime and punishment will be overhauled with the introduction of lie-detectors to run alongside other evidence provided by the police. Many trials by jury will be replaced by Jeremy Kyle style interviews with those found guilty facing longer prison sentences.

5. Paedophiles will be shot to prevent any chance of reoffending.

6. Anti-social behaviour will be dealt with by public flogging for repeat offenders. Social unrest will be met by water cannon, tear gas and rubber bullets in all cases. Anyone found wearing jeans with their butts hanging out will be horsewhipped.

7. Parliament will be overhauled with the removal of MP’s expenses. All MP’s will be housed in a tower block close to Westminster and receive a bus pass that allows them to commute to and from Westminster. Wages will be set at the same level as trainee traffic wardens to reflect the public opinion of those at Westminster.

8. The Royal family will remain but become the stars of a Big Brother style reality show. The royal family will be given the freedom to be themselves at all time and express their own opinions. Extra Beer and show girls will be available to party with Prince Harry each weekend.

9. The UK will pull out of the European Union and repeal Laws that would adversely affect the running of our country. The defence of our borders will be decided by our military commanders. Any foreign nation not agreeing with our new policies will be told to ‘suck it up’

10. The Emperor (that’s me) has the right to overrule any act of parliament or decision of the courts that is not in the favour of the people. In other words I’m the boss and it happens as I say it does.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

What i did on my holidays




So what could be better than starting off your summer with a three week visit to family in Spain? Sun, sea and evenings sipping beer and whisky once the kids are in bed.
Plenty of visits to the beach with cooling dips in the sea when the temperature gets you to melting point. Splashing around in the water with the kids, a perfect family holiday, well it should have been. There was one small cloud on the horizon, the seas off the Costa del Sol had an unwelcome visitor and on the first day in the sea I met one.

Swimming around quiet merrily, watching the kids splash around I lay on my back to float, swinging my arms out behind me. Suddenly something stung my arm, now this wasn’t like a bee sting, not unless the bee had ganged up with about ten of its mates and brought a Taser gun to numb your arm into the bargain. Stumbling out of the sea and ensuring the kids were out too I saw the reason for my discomfort, an angry red mark on the inside of my upper arm. A jellyfish sting, a gift I would soon discover would keep on giving.
Now I hear you all scream “Why didn’t you get someone to pee on it?” Well firstly no one is going to pee on me (Well apart from when the kids were little and would wait until you unfastened the nappy to aim a stream at your face.) and secondly no one is going to pee on me, it may sting but it won’t sting for that long. Now I know just how stupid not letting someone pee on me was.
A couple of days later I began to get a real bad rash as my skin came up in blisters and then my hands began to swell up. A visit to the chemist to get some cream stopped the itching but didn’t stop a visit to a jeweller to cut off my wedding ring. (Now here’s a good part of the story, the Spanish jeweller didn’t have the tool he needed so he sent his wife back to his house to get it. Then with great care he cut the ring off and wouldn’t take any money for his trouble.)

For the next couple of weeks the rash and swelling persisted as I applied cream and took anti-histamine tablets while the area of the sting went from swollen and red to angry red and after I pulled out a number of tiny little splinter like spikes it began to heal quiet well.
I believed my jellyfish nightmare was over but in the true traditions of all great, and not so great horror films the bad guy wasn’t dead. It just hid itself and waited until I wasn’t expecting it to strike, and boy did it strike.
We had returned home and all seemed well with the world until about the second or third morning when I awoke. Now half asleep I shuffled to the toilet with a full bladder and got the fright of my life. Nothing should ever look like that, it wasn’t just the swelling but also the area around covered in the tell-tale blistered rash. I don’t know if I screamed out loud but the primal scream inside my mind rattled the windows of my sanity. I was sat before a doctor in under two hours, my dislike of going blown away in an instant with an image I will take to my grave. There is an ancient statue found in northern Europe of the goddess, probably the oldest religious carving ever. You should never pee out of something that looked like that.

I explained to the doctor that while on holiday I had been stung by a jellyfish and had been having a rash and at the time my hands had swollen badly but this morning I had woken up and my thingy was swollen.
Aghast he asked “You were stung on the penis?”
I explained no I was stung on the arm and then showed him the injured item and he noted in his notes ‘badly swollen.’ (understatement of the year) and sent me off with tablets that he promised would start to help within a couple of days.
Now the horror of the jellyfish had been defeated….

Guess again, another week or so passed and again I awoke to soreness around the top of my arm and discovered that tell-tale blistered rash all around my armpit and as the day progressed a wrist that swelled to twice its usual size. Smothered with cream the curse of the jellyfish was again defeated but still it may return. Jason and Freddie have nothing on the resurrection capacity of this thing as I’m told it could return many more times before the final conflict is played out. I awake in fear not knowing what part of my body will be affected next….
a nose….
a foot….
Or… the return of the goddess statue!!!!!

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

How to make Alienbutt's special chili sauce.

When you make a chili sauce you want something that will hit the right spot (and then melt right though it.)
So before we get to what to put in a chili sauce why does chili burn so much?

The stuff that gives chili peppers the ability to strip the lining from inside your mouth is capsaicin and several other related chemical thingys, collectively they are called capsaicinoids. When you eat a chili these capsaicinoids head for the pain receptors in your mouth and throat and give them a dam good kicking, that's what is responsible for you sensing your mouth is on fire. Once kicked by the capsaicinoids, these receptors send a message to your brain that something hot is doing a chemical peel to your mouth. You brain responds to this burning sensation by raising the heart rate, increasing perspiration and releasing endorphins, in other words, it has a panic attack.
The "heat" of chili peppers is measured in Scoville heat units (SHU), this is basically how much chili extract must be diluted in sugar syrup before its heat becomes undetectable to a panel of tasters. In February, 2012, a test at the Chile Pepper Institute of New Mexico State University revealed that the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion had scored a Scoville rating of 2,000,000, making it not just hotter than hell but the hottest chili found on Earth.

So thats the chili lesson out of the way so now how to make a great chilli sauce, so here's what you need to get.


350g Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, roughly chopped
half a can of diced tomatoes
1/2 whisky glass of sugar (normal white stuff not the posh brown).
1/2 whiskey glass of white wine vinegar (posh stuff, not what you pour out of the pickled onion jar).

What you do.

Mix up the chilli, tomatoes, sugar and vinegar in a saucepan,bang it on full heat and bring to the boil. Turn down the heat so it goes to a Simmer, stir it around a bit every so often. Leave it to simmer like this for several minutes or until sauce thickens up a bit. Remove from heatand leave it to stand for five or so minutes.

Pour the mixture into a blender and zap it until its as smooth as you want it. Pour into jars and the jobs a gud 'en.
Refrigerate and its good for up to 3 weeks.

So get cooking and pour generously over those kebabs for the best food going, a bottle of whiskey is optional but you'd be daft to leave it out. (Larger works well for light-weight drinkers)

Thursday, 3 May 2012


Today I would like to welcome my first ever guest into the Whisky lounge,since first learning of her i have been a big fan. It is an honour to introduce a lady know as Sentinel Exemplar or Red for short.
*holds up whisky bottle*

Thank you. I drink brandy or Glayva please, neat, with ice.

*grabs bottle of brandy*
Over the last few years a series of books have been written about your life Red, so first how do you feel about the publicity this has brought to what had been a very secretive life?

There hasn’t been so much publicity per se. Humes still don’t seem to believe we’re real and so our Hide in Plain Sight Policy is paying off. I Believe Humes would be shocked if they realised exactly how many of us are in the higher positions of power in the country. It’s fortunate that I’m not a name-dropper.

Now some people out there may not have heard of you or what you do yet so could you give us a brief introduction on yourself? Who are you, what do you do?

I am known as different titles and names to different people. Some know me as Sentinel Exemplar, which is my correct title. Some know me as Sentinel; others know me as Red which is a nick-name that I use with pride. The more Ancient ones have always known me as Hazel and I shall be known as such forever to them. Others know me briefly as “Oh my god! What the hell is that! Arrgh!” but I’ll leave it to your imagination why they call me that.

*nervous laugh*
I mentioned to a few friends that I would be interviewing a werewolf and I got quite a few question suggestions, now first how do you refer to your kind? Are you werewolf, wolfmen or wolves?

We use the term ‘Wolf’ – we are not ‘werewolf’ which means ‘man wolf’ – to be part ‘man’ would make us less than we are.

And SooderFolley wanted to know if it really hurts when you change? Or is it seamless and natural?

I believe it did hurt at one time when I changed, but I cannot remember. As the years and decades pass, we perhaps learn to live with the pain and it becomes less either because we are used to it or because we become stronger and can withstand the pain better.
It does not hurt me to change.

So has it ever happen unexpectedly to you, like while you were on the toilet, and did you have to run outside to finish...?

Which disrespectful Hume asked that question? I shall deal with him when he is least expecting it!

What is the most annoying part of the legend vs. the reality? Are there any misconceptions about werewolves you would like to clear up?

No. It is convenient for us that Humes believe what they believe. I don’t want to give away any of our secret, do I? I believe that the Author of these books, D Michelle Gent has done enough damage to our secrets, I shall not add to the damage.

So cutting to the meat of the main gripe people would have with your kind, eating people. Are people like wine and meat, does age make a difference to the taste? Or do people just taste like Chicken?

Humes taste like Humes. There is a scent to them, a flavour that is enhanced by many things, adrenalin being the most delicious. But alcohol in the blood and certain drugs, narcotics, amphetamines can also add a certain something to the effect but I don’t often hunt Humes these days. I don’t need to feed on Humes for my strength and power. I am an Ancient Wolf and I enjoy the benefits of being Ancient.

So you remember what the wolf does in human form? Did you ever sniff another wolf bum and then regret it in the morning?

Again, the disrespectful Hume that asked the question may do well to keep indoors on the next Full Moon! I may forego my ethics on hunting Humes for that one.

Erm, let move quickly on, Natalie Eagle Eye Berry wanted to know if there are there any vegetarian werewolves?

There are Wolves that hibernate and therefore don’t need to feed but not eating meat? Why? We have been given these wonderfully sharp, pointy teeth for the purpose of slicing through flesh, biting down on a juicy, blood-engorged piece of meat is such a delight, why would a Wolf ever decide not to?
Can you hurry up? I’m suddenly hungry.

OK well jump to some real serious questions from the public, a sort of quick fire round.This is the main things the humans want to know, the real big issues. Many of my female friends really wanted me to ask, have you ever met any hot vampires?

A while ago, I would have said – in fact, I actually did say – there are no such things as vampires. I have since had a change of opinion, though I have yet to meet one.
There are, however, a good many hot Wolves. Nichasin for example, is one. Luke, my estranged husband is considered to be ‘hot’ and there are many more besides. There are many Wolves in our society that keep their gland usage up in order to maintain their youth and fitness and oh boy! Do they!

Are there any famous werewolves? Jason Hewitt has always suspected Huge Jackman, and I can totally see that.

As I said before, I am no name-dropper but just take a look around. Thosee Humes with ultimate confidence in themselves, those that seem to know that they are attractive, could they be Wolf? That is for you to find out perhaps. There is something about being Wolf that gives one such an air of invulnerability that it difficult to disguise and so it is easy for them to get into careers where their looks play an important part.
As for Hugh Jackman, I couldn’t possibly comment.

If you could turn any one you wanted without any ramifications, who would it be and why?

*Laughs* I can! The clever bit is to not turn them.

Do you stop to pee on lampposts?

*looks worried* Have you ever tried a tin of dog food?

Enough! Disrespectful Hume! Would you like to be the starter for my main meal when I find the Hume that asked those questions?

Not my fault, I'm just asking the questions.
There were quite a few questions asked about grooming, do you catch fleas for instance and do they stay on you when you change back to human form? Does Frontline flea and tick work for Werewolves or would you use Headrin?

If we do get fleas, they desert once the body reverts back to our more humanoid form. There is no need for chemicals.

I was told by a friend that an easy werewolf test for when you’re in human form, throw a stick and see if they twitch ;)

Perhaps we should meet that particular Hume and see who it is that twitches first?

Never been tempted to join in a game of fetch when walking through a park?

Sometimes, I have walked through parks and had the ‘urge’ as you say, to play fetch, perhaps in the days when parks were more dense and less populated and the thing that I was ‘fetching’ had a good covering of flesh and a pulse.

I think that I have indulged you enough, Hume. I am on Facebook and Twitter and I shall find those disrespectful Humes. I don’t need to wait for Full Moon, but for them, I will.

The amazing Red left at this point looking rather angry.
You can learn more about the amazing Red in D Michelle Gents books. (links below)

And follow Michelle on Facebook here-
Twitter here-Twitter: @ShellGent
And here blog here-

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Coming out of their Coffins

The truth about the Veggie Vamps. How do you feel about the recent change in vampire lead charecters? Does the Vampire Diaries brothers make you swoon? Is the sparkle in Twilight giving you a twinkle? Is True Blood a dream come true with those vamps in the open? Well according to some the recent shift in how blood suckers are portrayed is a concious move to make them more acceptable to modern society and a politicaly correct world where monsters are not real. Vampire want to climb out of their coffins and enter the light and have hired authors and media experts to make this happen. People believe what they see on the box, even so called TV fiction shows leave behind a seed of belief and when you add the subliminal messages that are encoded you have a world being prepped for our next ethnic minority. A pin up vamp that falls in love and never kills anyone would have been laughed at in the days of Hammer Horror but now it's a smash hit. Sparkle is the new tag for the fangsters. True blood shows how we can live beside a new breed of veggie vamps. What we are seeing is the start of vampires being rebranded and re-packaged into something the teens of today will accept as the truth in their fourties and fifties. A long term plan to cover the vampire Lestat in glitter and hire him out as a baby sitter while Mum and Dad go out swinging with Jessica and her maker Bill. Secret meeting in Hollywood have made this a done deal with the Whitehouse on board too. So get yourselves ready for the future where Interview with a Vampire, Dracula and the likes are racist properganda and vampires are the good guys. So get ready to sparkle and watch out Dads, your sixteen year old daughter will be bring home her hundred year old vampire boyfriend to meet you.