The last man to enter Parliament with honest intentions.

Guy Fawkes, probably the most famous traitor in British history, a name and face now linked as much with the modern fight against political corruption as the plot that got him killed. Yet how many people now remember much about the failed gunpowder plot? True we have bonfire night still and in some cases a guy is still burnt as fireworks explode but was guy Fawkes really the freedom fighter he is now painted as, the man who set out to bring down the government?
Well in a word, no he wasn’t. For a start it wasn’t even his plan, he was just the bloke who knew how to make things go bang and got the job of lighting the fuse.
The whole idea was actually Robert Catesby’s, a catholic zealot who wanted England to return to being a catholic state so planned to assassinate the king and entire privy council at the state opening of parliament. Now Catholics in England had not had the best of fortunes since good old King Henry VIII had taken control of the English church and things got worse under Queen Elizabeth I. In the new protestant land being catholic really didn’t go down too well. When King James I took the throne many Catholics hoped things would get easier but that didn’t happen.
So this Catesby began to gather his band of religious fanatics with the aim of placing a nine year old Princess Elizabeth, daughter of the king, on the throne as a catholic head of state. Catesby brought Guy Fawkes in as the explosive expert, a man with a decade of military experience fighting for the Catholics in the Dutch Revolt. Now being a man of strong religious belief it is believed that Catesby realised for his plan to work and the House of Lords to be redesigned by twenty barrels of gunpowder there would be quite a large loss of life. This plot would kill more than just the king and the others placed before his little princess in succession. In the grand tradition of a religious fanatic considering mass murder Catesby did the only thing possible, he went to see a priest. The priest in question was the principle Jesuit in England, Father Henry Garnet. Now the two met on three occasions but at the first meeting Catesby mentioned the morality of ‘killing innocents’ and how god and the pope would view it. Garnet said such actions could be excused but was worried enough to send messages to Rome asking that they forbid rebellion against the crown. At their next meeting Garnet showed this letter and tried to turn Catesby from his course. While Garnet knew of a plot but not the details he could not reveal it as it was protected by the rules of catholic confession. His hands tied Henry Garnet was dragged into the plot and the consequences when it failed. Now I dwell on Henry Garnet for one main reason, he was born close to where I now sit, in my very village in fact.
Henry was one of at least five siblings who started his education in Nottingham before entering Winchester College in Winchester, Hampshire where he excelled. With a place at New College, Oxford guaranteed he chose instead to move to London and worked for a legal publisher. In an ironic twist he also often dined with Sir John Popham who would later preside over the trials of the gunpowder plotters. In 1575 though he set sail to Portugal and entered the Society of Jesus, travelling later to Rome he was eventually sent back to England. The Jesuit order had been banished from England and any priest arrested would be charged with high treason so Garnet lived his life in hiding. A man who preached peace and worked for acceptance he became an unwitting victim of Catesby’s plot.
After things went ‘tits-up’ Garnet was forced to go on the run but it wasn’t long before he was captured and ‘questioned’. His response to being threatened with the rack does stand out, "Minare ista pueris” Threats are for boys.
With the use of forgeries but mainly torture Garnet finally revealed he had heard of the plot from another priest Oswald Tesimond who had heard it in confession from Catesby.
Charged with high treason he was found guilty and sentenced to death, accused of being an instigator of the plot. His execution was to be hung, drawn and quartered although when he was thrown from the ladder to be hung members of the crowd are said to have pulled on his legs so he was dead before he could be cut down alive and serve the rest of his punishment. His head was then displayed on a pole at London Bridge, probably the innocent victim Catesby had asked about.

Lucifer, the dancing Warden.

The Prince of Lies or a victim a smear campaign.
Lucifer is many things to different people but who is the real Prince of Hell? An exclusive interview with the fallen angel as the divine creatures of the world prepare for the release of a warts and all book that reveals their antics when not at work.


You are know to most people as the fallen angel who was thrown out of Heaven for leading a rebellion. What caused you to take such drastic action?

That whole rebellion thing has been blown out of all proportion as to be honest there never was a rebellion in heaven. The truth of what happened was God realised that you humans were rather a nasty bunch and a fair few of you would need to be punished for your actions during your lives. As a result he got together with a bunch of us angels and we decided that we needed a place to send the horrid gits to avoid heaven getting full of scumbags. I was all set to go off and study the expressive arts and dance but Michael pulled a fast one and put me forward to run our new prison. To be honest most of our brothers couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery so there was only the two of us in the running. Michael said to me he was up for taking the job but then went behind my back to God to convince him I should get the it. I was so busy training for my dance classes that I missed what he was up to. Anyway to cut a long story short Michael got to stay up in heaven as the big angel boss and I became the prison warden.

So there really never was a war in heaven?

No, although when we left we did have a bit of a leaving party that ended in a punch up and I made sure Michael finished the night with a black eye. We may have left heaven but we bashed some heads on our way out.

So you’re not actually the lord of evil then?

Oh yes, I’m that as well, you see we take on aspects of what people believe we are. So down in hell between punishing the damned we think up pranks and stuff to play on humanity. Nothing serious like, just a few practical jokes so the angels have to run around and do something. We leave all the real evil stuff for humanity to come up with themselves.

Could you give us a few examples of these practical jokes you play?

Not really as it’s fun watching you argue about what I’ve done and what I haven’t. I will say that whole ‘The devil told me to do it.’ thing that people use as a defence is rubbish. I don’t tell people to do things that kill people, it’s against the rules and we get you in the end so there’s no rush.

So as you're partly about the sin and the avarice have you ever given out the Euromillions lottery numbers to your followers in return for them doing deeds on your behalf?

You need to remember my main job is to keep the bad guys locked up and to see they are punished. Yes we do like to have a bit of fun now and then, cause a bit of trouble but there is just no way we can compete with the evil stuff you come up with so we don’t even try. As for the lottery numbers I don’t have a clue what they would be, maybe one of the Irish gods could help people with that.

What is your views on bacon?

We love it down in hell, I mean who doesn’t love bacon. New inmates are always surprised when they first arrive as hell doesn’t smell of sulphur but it smells of frying bacon. It’s one of our best punishments really, to spend an eternity being able to smell bacon but never being allowed to eat it. An interesting fact about bacon and pork is the whole religious thing about not eating it came from Michael. He sneaked his own views on vegetarianism in there, god couldn’t give a rats arse if you eat pork.

You’ve been portrayed many times in films so which is your own personal favourite version of you?

Well that’s a hard one, I think De Nero plays me quiet well but my favourite version of me is from a music video by Tenacious D. The guy from Foo fighters was great at being me, I still can’t get over how much he looks like the drummer from Nirvana though.

If you could do it all again, what would you do different?

I regret Jedward, it was just a joke but you lot just kept running with it and voting for them. I do think I would like to change that if I got the chance, they were on reflection just too much.

The book ‘John the Barman’ lifts the lid on a lot of what divine and supernatural people get up to, are you worried about how you may come across?

Not really, John’s bar is a place where we all go to unwind and the book should show how we all work together. I know Thor is grumbling about the book but he always finds something to grumble about so we just let him get on with it. Most of us are looking forward to it actually and even though a few bits had to be removed for legal reasons it does portray how we really are when we’re not working. What people don’t understand is we’re just one big happy family and just because we have different religions it doesn’t mean we don’t get on. I mean it would be really stupid if I didn’t get on with old Jupiter just because his followers called a festival by a different name and sacrificed a cow or something. I mean when we first started doing this we often went to the old gods for tips and advice, we used their experience and wisdom. You’re never going to get very far in our game if you don’t pool resources with the other gods.



You will find more about Lucifer in John the Barman, the new short story eBook by Glenn Scrimshaw and published through Gingernut Books. Available through Amazon and other online shops.

Who really was St. Valentine

Well after a few false starts on this Valentines blog I’ve decided to go with the facts on St. Valentine. So who was he? Simple answer is apart from the fact he was an early Christian priest and martyr nothing is known about him apart from the day on which he was beaten and the beheaded. Saint Valentine ( Or Valentinus to give him his real name.) may be a widely recognized third century Roman saint who died on February 14th but there the truth stops. All the rest is information added centuries later and further muddled by the fact there are three St. Valentines associated with February 14th . It gets better, in all there are eleven other saints having the name Valentine commemorated in the Roman Catholic Church.
So how did St. Valentine become associated with a day for love and romance? Well one reason was Geoffrey Chaucer and a poem he wrote to celebrate the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, in in particular this line from the poem known as Parlement of Foules.

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.
This makes even my spelling look good but here is the translation:
"For this was on Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."

Well this one line about birds getting all loved up really started the whole day of love that is the 14th of February. Chaucer wasn’t the only one that was fascinated by the private lives of Mr and Mrs Bird. It was *ahem* ‘fair game’ around this period of time with at least three other authors doing their own versions of fifty shades of feathers. So there you go, the day of love started out as badly spelt poems about ruffled feathers in the late 1300’s.
So a little of the myth, this St. Valentine was an early Christian priest who is reported to have broken Roman law by performing weddings for soldiers and for spreading the teachings of Christ. The story goes that the Roman Emperor at the time, Claudius II supposedly had this great idea that married men did not make good soldiers and so outlawed marriage as he sought to increase his army. Saint Valentine ignored this law and performed weddings and also cut heart shapes from parchment, giving them to the soldiers and other persecuted Christians. These hearts were a gentle reminder to his flock of God's love and to encourage them to remain faithful Christians.
Not surprisingly his action drew the attention of the authorities and he was dragged before the Roman Emperor Claudius II. (mental images of Monty Python’s life of Brian and Pilate shouting: Thwow him to the floor spring to mind.) Claudius was impressed by Valentine and made an offer that if he converted to Roman paganism he could live. Valentine refused to be swayed and tried to convert Claudius to Christianity instead. This wasn’t the smartest move he ever made and he was condemned to be executed. While awaiting his execution he performed a miracle by healing Julia, the blind daughter of his jailer Asterius. This act resulted in the jailer and his family converting to Christianity and they were all baptized. On the evening before Valentine was to be executed, he wrote a note to Julia, the first ever ‘valentine’ card, signing it as "Your Valentine."
Saint Valentine was buried in the Church of Praxedes in Rome, located near the cemetery of St Hippolytus. According to legend, Julia herself planted a pink-blossomed almond tree near his grave. The almond tree remains a symbol of abiding love and friendship to this day.

So why would the Romans not like and persecute this small religious cult and kill so many of its followers? Well look at things from the Roman point of view. These Christians were a sect from the Jewish faith and the Jews were not really in favour in Rome at the time. Added to this they refused to acknowledge the Roman religions and ways so were also seen as traitors. But here is the clincher, the actions that kept the arena lions fed. These Christians had secret rites but details were known, they met in secret and drank the blood of Jesus and ate his flesh. This Jesus, who was a criminal who had been executed but then rose from the dead. In the very heart of the Empire was a secret cult that was spreading its vile practices. The Roman people came to the only conclusion that fitted the known facts, the Empire was under attack from Vampires.

Well with so few facts know about this St’ Valentine I’m running with this idea as it fits the rumours of the day. The patron saint of love was a blood sucker and the Emperor Claudius II had his head chopped off to prevent him rising from his grave.