Today we have a guest blog from a very special person, so I would like you to all stand for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Now the Queen doesn’t normally write blogs so this is a great honour for us. So without further delay I give you the Queen.
Good morning peasants and other riff raff from around the world. I am here to squash any hopes that some of those colonials have of Great Britain taking the United States back under our protection during your time of lacking an operating government. Despite posts on your social media of any interest my nation may have they simply are not true. For us to take back America would be like me having Charles move back into the Palace. Now Charles is not such a bad sort in his own way but his new wife is not so agreeable. Now don’t get me wrong, at social engagements she isn’t such a bad old trout but I wouldn’t be wanting to share the bathroom with her is all.
So I have compiled a list of the main five reasons we will not be sending a rescue force to liberate America.
1. Your sports. Quite simply the sports you have suck and there’s no way I can sugar coat that. This American Football is a total joke to the rest of the sporting world, especially the Rugby playing nations. You dress up in all that padding and safety equipment to play what is essentially a cheap rip off of Rugby. Why you thought it would be a good idea to call a ball game football when they carry the ball is beyond our understanding. The next of your ridicules sports in that Indie car racing, talk about dull. Where are the bends and turns? A monkey could drive a car in a big loop so you should all check out Formula 1 to see some real driving at speed. Finally I will come to Baseball, well what can I say about groups of grown men playing Rounders? It’s a children’s game so just grow up and find an adult sport.
2. You are responsible for some of the worst television ever to come to the small screen. Now I know that a few of your shows are decent but what were you thinking with Honey Boo Boo? You make a show about such total peasants and then inflict it on the world. Wasn’t the Kardashians mind numbing enough? Filming horrible people living their lives is not entertainment and the amount of money they have makes no difference. You keep shows like that on-air yet cancel Firefly, there is no logic in the way you decide what shows to make. One was not happy at losing that eye candy Mal from the screen.
3. Piers Morgan. You have him over there now and we no longer have to put up with the smug little twerp. The whole nation had a party when he left our shores to go and live in America and we don’t want him back or even living in one of our colonies.
4. Your religion just doesn’t fit in with the British way. I am the head of the Church here, not some silly little man in Rome. The Catholic Church and its followers make far too much noise on a Sunday Morning, this doesn’t please me as I do relax on a Saturday night and drink a few large glasses of Pimms. The Church needs to start making less noise and just do the silent praying part so my hangover is not disturbed.
Also even worse than this is those Creationist, I know God gave mankind free will but that doesn’t mean you choose to be so bloody stupid. To even teach that Creationist crap in schools is just stupid, if you want fiction and fantasy then read Lord of the Rings.
5. Your politicians suck even worse than ours. Even the current crop of bland faceless morons who sit in Westminster would never try to cripple and blackmail the country by forcing the civil service to shut down. You have a group of total tossers sitting making your laws and running the country. Even in the light of the total proof of this when they did shut down your government you still have people supporting them and blaming the other side.
So thank you for your time, now sod off the audience is over.
RELEASE THE CORGIES AND GET RID OF THIS RABBLE!